Week One Down

Week 1 weigh in - down 1.1kgs

Week one down of the 12wbt round, and I'll admit it, I think 1800 calories is way too many calories for me.  I find I'm just eating for the hell of it to make up the calories and not even because I am hungry.  I also find I am drinking way too much coffee - it's all within my calories so I drink it!!!  I'm going to cut my calorie intake to 1600 and see how this week goes.   Water intake has been excellent, exercise has been okay, and food has been on track as well.  Things are going well.  The only thing I want to work on for the upcoming week is my time management, sleep and organisation.  I think I'm a pretty organised person, but starting work full time this week has totally messed with me!  I've been so exhausted I can hardly think straight - lack of sleep is definitely not something I cope with well.   It's been great having Greg home to help, but trying to keep a clean house, organise 4 kids, prepare & cook healthy meals, and exercise on top of all that was a huge struggle earlier in the week.  So Greg and have decided once a week we need to do a huge prep and cook up of the meals in the coming week for the nights I am working.  Looking forward to being less stressed this week.

My new Asics

I bought some new Asics runners on Friday as my old runners were so worn and extremely uncomfortable.  These new ones feel like I am walking on comfy fluffy pillows and my heels feel wonderful in them.

I've been taking daily photos like a bit of a diary and posting to some gorgeous & supportive girlfriends to keep myself accountable and on track.  It's something that I'm going to continue to do to keep my focus for the round. Although I try and take a quick picture of very meal, I often forget until the meal is over!  I thought I might as well share them here on my blog as well.

Onwards & downwards!

12wbt Round 2501354…. But Who's Counting?!?!?!

I've signed up once again to the next round of 12wbt.  And to be honest, I don't even want to think about how many rounds I've now done…. well, not actually done, but paid for.  I've seriously done 2 rounds, which were my first two, and then I've just filled Michelle Bridges' pockets with my hard earned cash. 

The thing is, I absolutely KNOW this program works.  It's not a diet, it's not a fad.  It's just sensible clean eating and exercise!  It's just common sense.  The difference I've made this time is I've signed up for the new 12wbt program called MOVE.  It's designed for obese people with a BMI of over 30, and allows you 1800 calories a day, and eases you into exercise.

I weighed in for kick off at 118.8kgs.  Fark!!!

Day 1 (yesterday) went well, except I ran out of time before work to get exercise done, so managed only a short walk.  But I'll get more organised as the time goes on.  Yesterday was also my first day of going back to work full time, so I have a lot of negative issues in my head at the moment.  We've decided I'll go full time until Greg finds a job, and the thought of working 5 nights a week until 11pm is quite horrible.  I am sure I'll get used to it.  Maybe.

Consistency, water, planning & exercise

Because of the increase in calories per day, the meals are much larger portion sizes, and very satisfying - so much so that you don't really need to snack in between meals, although I tried to just to keep my metabolism going.  I ended up only consuming 1643 calories and that was with a few coffees thrown in to boost the calories.  I'm planning on trying this for a few weeks and if the weight doesn't come off, I'll switch plans.

It's going to be a lot easier to get organised now the kids are all back at school.  I'm looking forward to getting into a routine!

12wbt MOVE: Day 1

I've also set myself the big arse goal of losing more than I did in my first round of 12wbt.  That round I lost 18.4kgs.  So, I'm going to aim for 18.9kgs, which means I'll be under the dreaded 100kgs.  Bring it.

Onwards & downwards….

Channelling My Inner Sarah McGee

I'm a fraud

I'm a failure

I'm obese

I'm useless
I'm dishonest

I'm unworthy
I'm ashamed
I'm incapable
I'm embarrassed
I'm tired

I'm weak

I'm lazy

I'm ridiculous

I'm unworthy

I'm unable

I'm crippled

I'm scared

I'm fat

I'm disgusting

I've been calling myself all these things the last few weeks.  Yes, I may be back on track now, but I've been dishonest with myself about how I've let things slip the last 6 months.  I'm an emotional eater and drinker - when I am upset or stressed or tired, I turn to wine & food.  And things started to slip when I was told I was going to be made redundant in about July last year.  And although I tried to claw my way back to a healthier lifestyle, I just couldn't do it.

So, thanks to some words of wisdom from the always awesome Sarah McGee (if you've never heard of her, click on the link to take you to her Instagram page), I am going to say it aloud - I've gained 20kgs back in the last 6 months.  My lowest weight at the beginning of last year was 98kgs, and I'm weighing about 117kgs right now.  Ashamed?? Yep.  But time to own it, and move on.

I'm embarrassed to see people I haven't seen in a while. I'm disgusted when I look at my reflections. I loathe myself because my clothes no longer fit or are too tight.  I don't want to have my photo taken cause I know I'll despise the picture & delete it anyway - like the one here taken on the weekend - shocking!

And I do feel like throwing my hands up in the air & saying "fuck it, I'm too old & tired for this.  I'll just stay fat".  That's easy.  But then I remember I have 4 little people (well, one who started high school today, so not so little!) looking up to me as their role model.

Losing weight is hard.  It's really hard.

And looking back on the posts of this blog, I'm so sick of seeing "this is it" and shit posts like that.

I lost a shit load of weight.  I stuffed up and gained a heap of it back.  And now it's time to finish the job I started a year and a half ago.

I will do this. I will conquer this. I AM worth it!

Ain't that the truth!!!

Day 5 Back on Track

Today is day 5 of being on track, and I'm feeling so awesome!  Ive been tracking keeping myself accountable and I've been following the 5 goals I set myself:-

1. Following 12wbt like a newbie - I've spent hours pouring over the menus, selecting new things to try out & writing out our menu plan for the month

2. Get moving again -  On Friday I didn't do any "measured" or set activity, but I spent nearly 3 hours cleaning & reorganising/decluttering our garage, which was a great workout in itself.  The other days I've managed bike riding twice, spin bike & cross trainer workout & a garage session.

3. No alcohol - Oh, how I've missed my white wine of an evening.  If only I could have a glass of wine without being ravishingly hungry!  So because I have to eat when I drink, the drinking stops!  Day 5!  YAY!

4. Tracking on My Fitness Pal - I've tracked religiously each day. 

5. Use my friends to keep me accountable - I've been posting the following daily updates for my girlfriends to see so they know how I am travelling, and shall keep doing so, even if it does their heads in.  THANK YOU girls for being my rocks xxxx

So a fantastic start to the new year.  I had forgotten how bloody yummy the 12wbt foods are, and look forward to trying out many new & different recipes in the upcoming months. The scales are moving rapidly downwards and I am grinning from ear to ear!  Now to keep the momentum going.  

I've got this :)

Fat, Fucked & Forty-One

Love this!  haha!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

What a whirlwind silly season it's been, but so much better than the last one when I was suffering with Ross River Fever and spent my days in bed.  It's been lovely to spend so much time at home with the out of work husband as well - I think the kids have really enjoyed it, especially our youngest who has benefited the most out of having one on one time with Dad while the others have been at school.

Christmas was bloody awesome & the kids were very spoiled.  We had a beautiful Christmas eve & Christmas day with our families, and did the usual family things like a photo with Santa & attend Christmas Carols in the park.

The Grinch & Moi

So, it's a new year, and I have been waiting for the 1st of January for one main reason - to go alcohol free.  I set that date a while ago, and although pressured from others to "just start now", this was the date I had firmly implanted in my head and was the date that I wanted to start from.

Happy New Year Photo bomb by Aidan

So although I'm not setting any New Year resolutions, I have set myself some New Me Resolutions.  This is not about starting a new year, or committing to something for a year.  It's about me moving on from my downward path the last few months, and moving forward to a healthier me, forever. 

So I set myself these New Me Resolutions earlier in the week:

1. Follow 12wbt like a newbie.  Go back to the very roots of it, and follow the plan.  It works.

My lovely swollen ankle at the physio

2. Get moving again.  Injury, particularly with my heels has derailed me big time.  I can't even go for a walk on my breaks at work which is a real shit.  But I'll just have to do what I can & not let it get me down.  No excuses, 6 days a week.

3. The big one.  Alcohol.  It causes me to overeat (a hell of a lot), to sleep extremely badly with waking through the night for hours on end, and to feel overall shit the next day.  This is turn causes me to skip meals, to not exercise, and to generally feel crap, and then do it all over again.  So from January 1st we are becoming an alcohol free house.  I plan on drinking when on holiday or on very special occasions (out of our house), but for the moment I am taking it one month at a time.  January will be alcohol free without a doubt.

4. I will get back to tracking in My Fitness Pal.  All the calories consumed and all the exercise calories burned. I despise tracking in MFP, but it will keep me accountable.

5. Instead of burying my head in the sand when things get tough, I will use my awesome supportive friends (yes, you know who you are!!) to help me out.  I've warned them this will be happening as I know I will struggle from time to time.

It's hard for me to set specific fitness goals with my injuries at the moment, but I will just take it one week at a time.  We have the Colour Run in March that we are doing with the kids, so I hope to be pain free in my feet by then.  Greg and I are working out twice a week with a PT and I absolutely love, love, love it.  So we'll be continuing a wee bit longer with that and hopefully Greg will be employed soon so we can afford to continue with it indefinitely.

The only other fitness goals I have set is for the Brisbane Ride to Conquer Cancer in August and the Melbourne ride in October.  The Brisbane route is apparently a hilly one, so I plan on building my bike fitness and adding hill training before then, if my ankle holds out.

The key to success

And my word or motto for 2014 and beyond will be "consistency".  It is the key to all success, whether health or fitness related, or in life in general.  Thanks to the lovely Dayna for creating this picture for me.

Lots to look forward to this year, and to be thankful for.  And here's to being fit, fantastic & forty-two!!!

Starting the year with delicious healthy food & movement.

Oh Where Oh Where Has My Mojo Gone, Oh Where Oh Where Can it Be?

Well it's been a month since my last post, which gives you an insight into my life at the moment.  Busy and horrible.  So, a quick summary & run down of what's been happening….

We went to the last 12wbt Finale party in Sydney.  I had an extra long stay to catch up with my gorgeous girlfriends from all over the country.  Feeling quite shattered that Ms Bridges has decided the 12wbt parties are to be no more.  They were such a great way to end a round with catching up with all our friends from around Australia and celebrate, and to frock up & feel good about ourselves.

Me and my girls xx

I started 6 weeks training in my new role at work - FULL TIME HOURS!  Yep, just coming up to my last week of working 9am-5pm like a normal person does.  And it absolutely has sucked the life out of me.  The peak hour traffic is enough to make any person insane - leaving home at 7.45am & returning at about 6pm means I am missing out on the kids and I feel so out of control with what is happening in our home.  I cannot even put into words how horrible this has been for me.  Poor Greg has copped the brunt of my misery.  And yes, many have said "welcome to my world" as that is what most people live.  But sorry, no, I don't want to be welcomed to your world.  I have 4 kids, and a home to run, and I'll stick to working nights & weekends thanks.  One more week to go, one more week to go…..

Me & my bestie aka Mish

Greg was made redundant from his job.  Given the news & marched out the door the same day.  It was a big shock to us, and the job market is terrible at this time of the year.  But, it gives him the opportunity to spend time with the kids over the Christmas period & have a couple of months off before the job hunt continues in the new year.  I also encouraged him to sign up to a PT course that he's been thinking about - perfect opportunity while he's not working to do something he will be great at.  He's a natural born people person, and with his background of fighting obesity & becoming fit & healthy, who the hell wouldn't want him as a PT???

Greg and I

We did the Ride to Conquer Cancer in Adelaide at the end of November.  It was the last of the 6 RTCCs (Greg having flown over to NZ to take on that one in mid November) and it was tough.  The weather was hot & the route was hilly, and needless to say my ankle didn't hold up well.  Add to that my heel spurs have returned with plantar fascitis as an added bonus & I could barely walk, let alone ride.  I did complete at least half of the ride each day, and I was okay with that.  I could have pushed myself harder to do more, but I didn't want to risk any long term damage to my ankle & feet.  It was great to ride over the finish line with the Vision Crusaders even if I did feel like a a bit of a fraud having only participated in 2 of the rides.

The Vision Crusaders reflecting before the last ride of the year

We sold our caravan.  We've had it on the market for quite a while, as we just aren't getting the use out of it we should be.  We haven't had much interest until Summer hit us & BAM, we were getting enquiries all the time.  The first people to see it bought it.  Saddened it's gone now, but the cash will be put to good use!

Aidan turned 5!  And he's off to school next year!  WOW, where have my babies gone??  I have one starting primary school & one starting high school.  Scary!

An excited boy opening his Birthday pressies.

I signed up for the 12wbt for this round.  I didn't think Michelle Bridges was making enough money.  I started off well, but the wheels have fallen off yet again.  More on that in a minute.

We've had a personal trainer come and train us twice a week at 6am.  Who's crazy idea was it??  In saying that, I am really enjoying it but my ankle is in really bad shape at the moment & I am struggling with pain.  I just can't seem to get to the physio for treatment with working full time.

So, in a nutshell, life has been crazy busy & horrible for me.  I'm looking forward to my Annual leave & rest between Christmas & New Year.  We were originally going away to our caravan, but since we've sold it, we'll just be having some relaxing time at home with the kids.

This hair will go next year!!!

I've decided that I will shave my head bald in 2014.  I lamely put it out there this year that I would do it, but I've set my sights high and want to raise $15000 for cancer research in 2014.  And when I do, I'll be going all the way!  These locks will be going.  I'm only disappointed that I can't donate my hair to wig makers for cancer victims because they don't take hair that has been dyed.

I've also decided that 2014 I will attempt to go alcohol free.  I'm going to take it one month at a time, and see how I go.  Alcohol (mainly wine) is my nemesis - I relish that quiet time in the evenings with Greg and a nice cold glass of wine.  But as I've stated over & over in this blog, with the wine comes the mindless snacking on anything & everything, and I truly believe it is the thing that derails me from reaching any of my goals.  It has to stop & so January 1st it will.

I will reach goal weight in 2014.  I've had enough of this bullshit with being over weight.  I have been slowly gaining weight and my clothes have been becoming tighter & tighter.  I actually had to go out during the week & buy size 18 clothes!  Devastating to me, but a good wakeup call. What's that saying - two steps forward, one step back?  Time to turn things around & get back to being the role model I want to be for my kids, a happy wife for Greg and the fit & healthy person I was becoming not too long ago.  It's time.

So bring on the fat man in the red suit & a brand new year!  It's going to be a brilliant one, I can feel it in my bones.  Let's get this party started!!!!!

Greg and I last night at my work Xmas Party.  I think I have a "thing" for gold sequins.

2013 Melbourne Ride to Conquer Cancer

The event I've been waiting 12 months for finally arrived.  I wanted to to conquer this.  It was unfinished business since I didn't complete the whole route last year.  I had been training for it, and wasn't concerned about any hills, as I knew it was a pretty flat course ahead.

My weekend started with the arrival of some Vision Crusaders from Queensland at house for dinner and a bed on Thursday.  We also picked up a third Qld VC from the airport late Thursday night - after Greg accidentally went to the wrong airport!!!  Friday morning I did an airport run to pick up 2 more Qld Crusaders who were spending the night as well.  It was a busy day of organising kids, and running around, and by Friday afternoon I was stuffed!  We then had 16 people over for a carb loading dinner Friday night.  It was a great night to meet some Vision Crusaders I've never met, and get to know those I'd met a little bit better.

I rode for my Dad & my friend Helen in New Zealand

Saturday morning rolled around & we were up bright & early to get to Albert Park and meet the rest of the team.  We were riding with our home team Fighting Back, and also the Vision Crusaders Grand Slam.  The morning was fresh, but thankfully there wasn't any rain, which was what we expected.

Greg, Dayna, Scott, Julie & myself ready to ride

At 8am we headed off on our way to Hastings.  The ride was a lovely flat one, out along beautiful Beach Rd.  There were a few hills along the way, but nothing like the hills of the 2012 course.  Dayna & I rolled into camp about 2.30pm.  The queue for the showers was long (and we heard they were cold), so a "Rexona shower" was in order, as was a cold beer.  The afternoon at camp was spent chatting, drinking & later on dancing.  It was an amazing atmosphere & so awesome to finally share it with Greg.

Dayna & I after conquering Day 1

The next day we were up at 4am, breakfast didn't go down too well after a few too many wines the night before, and we headed off on the road at 6.30am.  The old private parts were a bit rough after 104kms the day before, but otherwise, I was feeling pretty awesome.

The camp ground in Hastings.

Before this ride, I had made up my mind there was no way I wasn't going to finish it.  And I wanted to ride the WHOLE damn thing, hills and all.  But with a mistake changing down gears on a particularly steep incline, I feel off the bike, and then couldn't get the momentum back up to keep riding.  So I walked up the steepest hill on the whole darn ride, but it was only ONE hill.  I wasn't disappointed with my efforts.

The love of my life!

The ride was a lovely scenic one on the way home, and I felt awesome.  But the highlight of my ride was the last 10-15km of it.  I had ridden most of the time on the weekend with Dayna, but left her behind at the lunch stop due to her knee playing up & her having to ice it in the medic tent.  I told her I'd ride slowly so she could catch up, which I did, and I also had many breaks waiting for her along the beach on the way home.  I didn't realise how held up she was with her knee.  I thought I'd get to the last pit stop & wait for her there so we could ride across the line together.  I had also asked Greg to wait at the last pit stop for this reason also.

I did it!

As I approached the pit stop, the whole Vision Crusaders Grand Slam team were waiting & yelling at me "Don't stop, keep riding", so I did, confused at what the hell was going on.  The whole team had stopped and waited to ride across the line with me.  They weren't going to leave Greg behind to wait for me, and wanted to do it as a team.  It was an awesome experience to ride with all of them, and having ridden last year by myself, and this year partially by myself, it was nice to be a part of that.

We had some 12wbt friends waiting at the finish line & other Vision Crusaders as well & it was exhilarating coming in and completing it.  Greg rode out to meet Dayna & Kerry & cross the line with them.  Buggered if I was getting back on that bike to do it!

A brilliant weekend, and one I can't wait to do again in Adelaide at the end of November.  Bring it on!

M.I.A.

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been MIA cause I just haven't had much to write about.  

So, my last post I mentioned we were driving to Sydney & back for Greg to ride in the Sydney Ride to Conquer Cancer.  The journey both to & from Sydney was long, but not too bad with the kids who were kept entertained with DVDs, and all their electronic gadgets.  The 4yo had many "Are we there yet?" moments, but nothing too unbearable.

It was wonderful to meet Greg's fellow group of riders, the Vision Crusaders - what a wonderful bunch of people this group is - all coming together to raise funds to find a cure for cancer.  I did feel sad as they all rode off on Day 1 that I wasn't riding with them, but leaving 4 kids locked in a hotel room for the weekend to fend for themselves wasn't an option!!!

We spent the Saturday at Taronga Zoo, and I caught up with one of my gorgeous Sydney girlfriends Megan & her 2 beautiful kids.  Absolutely lovely day.  That night the kids & I drove out to the camp ground of the RTCC to have dinner & spend some time with the Greg & the riders.  The next morning we made sure we were ready to snap the team coming over the finish line.

There's been a few hiccups with my new job - just trying to finalise dates of training and a start date with it, but thankfully that was all sorted.  We had a farewell cruise last weekend for my current department.  I can't believe that the end is nigh, and after 11 years I will be changing jobs.  It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and with the last day coming up this Thursday, there are sure to be many tears shed!

Greg also was away in Perth last weekend for the Perth RTCC.  I am so proud of what he is doing.  I don't think anyone realises the impact that all these rides have on the families left back home - both emotionally and financially.  It's such a huge thing, but of course, I wouldn't change it for the world - after all we're making a difference with our fundraising for a cure to conquer cancer!

So, how's my 12wbt been going?  Well, it hasn't been "going".  I've just been in a funk.  And the funk has made me feel like shite, and then feeling like shite causes me to continue my funk.  It's a hole I haven't been able to claw my way out of.... yet.

So, here's a list of the things that I am struggling with:

1. I'm not eating breakfast (due number 5 on this list & not being hungry in the mornings)
2. I'm drinking too much coffee
3. I'm not exercising4. I am drinking wine too often5. I am night time snacking 6. Drinking makes me an insomniac so I am exhausted all day long
7. I am not drinking water
8. I am disgusted with myself, and self loathing is at an all time high

So, I've come up with a different list.  A list to help me claw my way out of the funk & get back on track.  And it starts today.

1. I will eat breakfast every single day
2. I will drink coffee only on the weekends, and herbal tea Monday to Friday
3. I will track my calories.  I absolutely hate MyFitnessPal as I find it so time consuming, so I will go back to manually tracking on a piece of paper (worked for me in the first round!)
4. I will drink water all day long
5. I will exercise 6 days a week
6. I will not snack in the evenings.  If I have calories left over I will have fruit or yoghurt only
7. Wine is for special occasions.  I will not use it as an excuse to "wind down" in the evenings
8. I will join the next round of 12wbt and I will bloody well follow it
9. I will attempt to stop feeling the disgust for myself I am currently battling with

So, there's my plan.  As I said in an earlier post, I'm taking it one day at a time until I'm out of this hole.  

Onwards & downwards.....

For F*ck's Sake Friday 11th October

Another week gone by & it's time to reflect on the FFS moments of the last 7 days....


Went for a ride with a group of women on Sunday from Werribee to Lara & back... No FFS

The wind was a mofo....... FFS

With 20km to go of the 70km ride, I started cramping in my calf muscles, then my thighs... FFS

Sunday's long ride

Made it another 15kms, but had to throw in the towel with 5kms to go, with cramping in both legs... FFS

I have a serious potty mouth when I am in pain....FFS

But did manage to get out on the bike on Monday without any cramping... No FFS

And crossed the line for my donations for my Adelaide Ride - whoo hoooo..... No FFS

Received news from a friend & fellow riding team mate that her mother died unexpectedly on Monday..... FFS

Heartbreaking & so very, very sad.... FFS

And then are blown away by another shock - the team captain of the Vision Crusaders is told he has leukaemia... FFS

It's why we ride to raise money for a cure.... No FFS

Monday's short ride

Make you realise that life is too short.... FFS

Only 3 weeks to go before being made redundant (8 more shifts) & applied for a job internally at work.... No FFS

Found out last night I was successful & got the job! WOOT! ..... No FFS

Feel like a load has been lifted from shoulders & I can start to breathe again.... No FFS

Greg has the Sydney Ride to Conquer Cancer this weekend.... No FFS

Will be an emotional event with the team captain in hospital receiving his chemo..... FFS

The kids & I are going with Greg to be the cheer squad.... No FFS

But we're driving from Melbourne to Sydney.... FFS

10 hours in the car with 4 kids - Lord help me!!! .... FFS

It's For Fuck's Sake Friday Again!!! 4th October

Fridays seem to roll around so quickly, which isn't a bad thing!  Here's my run down of the week!  It's FFS Friday!


It's the last week of the school holidays & the weather in Melbourne has been shocking with rain & gale force winds.....FFS

Upset all our plans for the week & the many zoo visits we wanted to make, including our first visit to Healesville Sanctuary.... FFS

I love the school holidays and all my sleep ins... No FFS

But I miss my regular bike riding... FFS

Just picked up my bike today from having it serviced, and can't wait to get out on it..... No FFS

Going for a 70km ride with a group of girls tomorrow morning and can't wait... No FFS

There better not be any magpies... FFS

Brownies did not last long!!!

Have had my domestic goddess cap on this week & done a bit of cooking & ice cream making... No FFS

Kids have been thoroughly impressed by the stranger in the kitchen their mother.... No FFS

Have been to the dentist this morning with Paige, who will be getting a root canal next week... FFS

She's not worried at all because she doesn't know what she's in for.... No FFS

I'm in for a bill of $750!!! ..... FFS

I should have picked a career as a dentist... FFS

Did my first real weights session last night with Greg.... No FFS

I may have called him a f&cking arsehole every name under the sun!... FFS

I could hardly swing my arm around behind me whilst driving the car today to slap discipline one of the  kids.... FFS

I love the feeling of DOMs though... No FFS

Feel like I am FINALLY back on track, and finally off the wine, but taking it one day at a time... No FFS

Believe from a friend, Scrambled egg whites,  weights session

Only 27 days of work left for me.... FFS

But I've applied for a couple of jobs internally at my work & hopefully something will come of it - fingers crossed.... No FFS

Signed up for the 2014 Brisbane Ride to Conquer Cancer.... No FFS

Have been reminded today with some bad news that cancer doesn't discriminate..... FFS

It's why we ride & do what we can to get the funds for cancer research.... No FFS



I still have $258 to go until I qualify for the Adelaide Ride to Conquer Cancer in November.  If you'd like to make a donation, you can do so here...

The October Weigh Out

I've joined a group of like minded ladies for "The Weigh Out".  It's to help us stay focussed during October.  We had to make a commitment to ourselves and share it with the group, so here is mine....

So, this morning here I am with my cup of tea, and no Facebook.  I usually sit on FB for my cuppa each morning, but instead, I'll read the news online!  I might even play a game of "Master Mind" with my eldest!!!

Today also is the first day of OcSober, which is an online charity thing a bit like FebFast & all those other stay off the booze for charity events.  I'm not signing up online for it, but Greg, our training buddy Dayna & myself will be doing it just for ourselves!  Although we will be enjoying a well earned drink after riding 100kms on October 26th!

So here's to a fresh month, a new commitment, and getting back to double digits!!!  Bring it on!

100 Reasons Why

So, my reasons why I am doing this.  Why I am battling to get healthy & fit & not giving up.  These are my 100 reasons why....

1. I want to feel happy within myself
2. I want to feel fit
3. I want to BE fit
4. I want to feel healthy
5. I want to BE healthy
6. I want to feel strong
7. I want to BE strong
8. I want to lift weights like a Boss!
9. I want abs
10. I want to not feel disgusted when I look at my reflection
11. I want to feel confident
12. I want to stop avoiding school drop off/pick up incase I see someone I know
13. I want to look good naked
14. I want to FEEL good naked
15. I want to wear nice clothes
16. I want to never feel despair in a change room of a store again
17. I want to shop in those stores I currently walk by and look longingly at
18. I want an outfit from Lorna Jane
19. I want to wear nice underwear
20. I want to own a matching lacey bra & undies set again
21. I want to feel sexy in my own skin
22. I want to not be embarrassed of my body infront of my husband
23. I want to comfortably wear bathers at a pool or the beach
24. I want to go on an overseas holiday without stressing about what to wear
25. I want to go on ANY holiday and not stress about what to wear and what will fit me
26. I want to not worry that other people are judging me
27. I want to be able to eat in public without thinking of what other people are thinking of me
28. I want a thigh gap
29. I want a flat tummy
30. I want toned arms with no Bingo Wings
31. I want a smaller bum
32. I want less weight stress on my ankle
33. I want to be the best role model I can be to my kids
34. I want my kids to be proud of me
35. I want my kids never to be embarrassed of their fat mum
36. I want to sit on a ride at a theme park & never worry that I won't fit
37. I want to have energy to get out of bed in the morning
38. I want to have energy to play with the kids at the park
39. I want to go rock climbing
40. I want to climb a mountain
41. I want to inspire people to get out & do it!
42. I want to be the best version I can possibly be of myself
43. I want to ride as much as possible in my quest to help conquer cancer
44. I want to enjoy every second of every day
45. I want to seize the moment
46. I want to enjoy nourishing my body with good food
47. I want to nourish my children's bodies with good food
48. I want to teach my children about good nutrition
49. I want to live a long life to watch them grow old
50. I want to feel my emotions and stress and not find them in the bottom of a wine bottle
51. I want to be able to live without counting calories
52. I want to exercise for the love it
53. I want to not stand out for being the fattest in a group
54. Or the fattest in a room
55. I want to walk long distances without puffing
56. I want to lie down without feeling like my boobs are suffocating me
57. I want to be able to walk into a gym without feeling all eyes are on me
58. I want to be able to walk into a gym thinking they're looking at me cause I look good
59. I want to love my life more than I do now
60. I want to not feel stressed
61. I want to jump with the kids on the trampoline
62. I want to swim with the kids at the pool and beach
63. I want to try & surf
64. I want to tandem skydive
65. I want to run up the steps of the Eureka Tower
66. I want to be able to plank for 2-3 minutes
67. I want to wall sit for over 5 minutes
68. I want to look good in workout gear
69. I want to join a boxing class
70. I want the robes at hotels to fit me
71. I want the bath towels at hotels to wrap around me
72. I want to go to Bali & not have the shopkeepers tell me they have clothes for big ladies
73. I want to be average
74. I want to be extraordinary
75. I want to be exceptional
76. I want my husband not to be able to keep his hands off me
77. I want to wear singlets without worrying about my fat arms
78. I want to wear short dresses
79. I want to wear shorts
80. I want to wear a sports bra
81. I want to not feel hopeless in an aerobics class
82. I want to be faster on the bike
83. I want to be proud
84. I want to be awesome
85. I want to look awesome in lycra
86. I want to learn to swim properly
87. I want to be able to hire costumes for dress up parties that fit me
88. I want to do a MB 12wbt Finale workout without stopping
89. Or being embarrassed at my ability
90. I want old friends to say "wow" when they see me
91. I want energy all day long
92. I want a satisfying life
93. I want to be content & have that rub off on my family
94. I want to snow board
95. I want to climb Uluru
96. I want to go horseriding
97. I want to ride the 180km Around the Bay in a Day
98. I want to do Paint Ball skirmish
99. I want to share my joy
100. I want to live my life to the fullest

I've Got This

So, following on from my post this morning about "Choosing My Hard", let me give you a run down of my day, and how I chose my hard at about 12.30pm today.

I didn't get out of bed until 9am (God bless school holidays), and I stumbled out of bed to make myself a coffee.  Breakfast consisted of a slice of left over pizza from last night's dinner.  Not lovely homemade style pizza, but greasy kebab meat with garlic sauce pizza.  I finished the pizza, and chased it down with another coffee, and a chocolate biscuit.

I then decided to "spoil" the kids and bought them McDonald's for lunch.  I drove down and bought it for them.  They love McDonald's.  I don't.  But when I saw the 4 year old's left over Chicken nuggets, I thought to myself "bonus" and chomped on one.  Half way through, I decided enough was enough.

I chose my hard then and there.  I have felt crap about my myself for the last week or so.  To be honest, I felt pretty crap about myself in Bali as well, but I just washed that feeling down with another Bintang.  It's the same feeling I had when I weighed 125-135kgs and couldn't look at myself in the mirror.  Or when I did see myself, or saw a photo of myself, I felt disgust.  That's the EXACT way I am feeling right now.  Disgust.  Disappointment.

So,  I stood at the kitchen bench & felt guilty that I was making myself some ham & salad wraps for lunch, and here I was "treating" them to that shit food.  They didn't need it, they didn't ask for it, I thought I was doing a good thing by them. An hour later, they were all hungry again.  Of course.  Shit empty food with no nutritional benefit to them.

So I had my yummy healthy wraps, and then decided to do some exercise.  I set the new season of Survivor up to watch on the PC (lurvvvveee Survivor!!), and I got on the xtrainer.  Oh, my beloved Xtrainer, how I love thee!  And how dusty you have become of late with no one paying you any attention!  30 minutes was all I could handle with my daily nausea getting the better of me.  235 calories I would not have burnt if I hadn't of chosen my hard right there & then.  And I will hopefully back this up with a stint on the spin bike later when not feeling so yuk.

This weightloss thing, this healthy eating & exercising thing, this staying focussed thing.... it's ALL in the mind.   And I am strong.  I can do this.

One day at a time.  One meal at a time.  One workout at a time. One positive decision at a time.

I've got this.

Onwards & downwards.....

For F*ck's Sake Friday.... & Choosing My Hard!

It's Friday, and time to recap the week that was, and everything that has given me the shits!  Here's my instalment of FFS Friday....

Although it's only been 10 days since our return from Bali, it seems like it was months ago.... FFS

I've had nausea every morning since our return to Oz.... FFS

No, not pregnant, just obviously a "Bali Belly" tummy bug lingering.... FFS

It's school holidays and I am loving the sleep ins, and not having to make lunches & snacks for the kids... No FFS

But the noise in this house with the 4 kids home is unbelievable.... FFS

School holidays are the reason parents drink! ..... FFS

Actually KIDS are the reason parents drink!.....FFS

I love 10 pin bowling!! .... No FFS

But not the 4yo child who complains he is bored with it after 10 minutes.... FFS

School holiday bowling fun!

I've struggled to get my head out of holiday mode & to get off the nightly wine drinking.... FFS

And the snacking that goes with wine drinking.... FFS

And to get back into exercising..... FFS

The Western Warriors garage crew

Haven't been able to participate in our weekly Garage sessions with our workout group for AGES due to heel spurs & then Bali, and joined in on Saturday, and loved it..... No FFS

And did a 70km bike ride last Sunday & felt fantastic after it... No FFS

Have I mentioned how much I love being on the bike?... No FFS

There's nothing like trying on clothes in a store to make you realise it's time to get back on track... FFS

And realising that I am 10kgs heavier than my lightest weight on the 12wbt.....FFS

Time to sit & plan, write out goals, and pull my head out of my big fat arse... FFS

I have been reminding myself of the saying "Being overweight is hard.  Losing weight is hard.  Choose your hard".  I've chosen my hard.... No FFS

I officially only have 5 weeks of work left until I enter the world of unemployment!....FFS

I've been working since I was 17, so it's going to be strange not having an employer & a regular income coming in.... FFS

The thought of applying for jobs, then having job interviews scares the bejesus out of me!....FFS

I've been getting my Christmas shopping done before we are paupers and aim to have it all done by the end of October.... No FFS

I've wrapped my first couple of Christmas presents, to which 4yo Aidan exclaims we need to put up the Christmas tree..... FFS

I did actually consider it...... FFS

He says it's so he can hide under the tree - what the?... FFS

Unlike my Grinch of a husband, I love Christmas and everything that goes with it... No FFS

It's the AFL Grand Final tomorrow..... No FFS

And I'm working all day.... FFS

1st Xmas pressies wrapped!