Excuses. Excuses Everywhere!

Another failed round and more money stuffed into Mish's ever swelling pockets.  But…….. wait for it…. I signed up AGAIN for the next round starting Monday 27th.  "Whhhhhyyyyyyy???"  I hear you wail, shaking your head.  And to be honest, I signed up because the program works and because I've had enough.

I've had enough of getting puffed getting in and out the car
I've had enough of avoiding eye contact with people because I'm embarrassed
I've had enough of shopping once again in the speciality large ladies stores
I've had enough of being embarrassed of school drops off and pick ups
I've had enough of not having any good level of fitness
I've had enough of burying the disappointment I have in myself in the bottom of a wine bottle
I've had enough of having no "me" time and never putting myself first
I've had enough of being uncomfortable in my skin
I've had enough of taking the lift instead of the stairs (stairs used to be my bitch!!!)
I've had enough of setting myself up as a bad role model to my kids
I've had enough of existing, when I should be "living"
I've had enough of fearing failure, when I know I can succeed!
I've had enough of the excuses.  All the bloody excuses.

I've been noticing my excuses lately about regaining all the weight I've lost.  Yep, I was depressed, made redundant after 11 years, put in a job I hated, then had to work extremely long hours in that horrible job because Greg was made redundant.  Yep I got back on the wine, and didn't have any time to exercise.

All bloody excuses.   In hindsight, I could have kept up eating well, stayed off the wine, and done incidental movement & I would have still lost weight.  Slowly but surely.

I'm good at excuses, and I'm good at making myself believe in those excuses.  And I'm good at laying blame.

But not anymore.  There's no more excuses.  I'm just going to fucking do it.  I just have to fucking do it.

Be ready for lots of updates…

Onwards & downwards….

P.S. Thanks Ros for checking in on me :)

The Michelle Bridges Retirement Fund

Yep, once again I have signed up yet again for the Michelle Bridges 12wbt.  Why are you wasting your money again I hear you ask??  Yes, I've wasted a lot of of money by signing up and not following this program, but I am finally ready to be serious.  And why I've gone back to 12wbt is because it bloody well works.  And I bloody well love it when I am serious about it.

So here is my commitment…..

My commitment is to myself and my family. After regaining all the weight I've lost in previous 12wbt rounds, I am back to start the journey again and finish it! I commit to being honest with myself, to follow and trust in the 12wbt program (because it works!) and to be the best version of myself I can be. I will be a brilliant role model to my four children, and will support my husband in his endeavours while he supports me as well.

It's on like Donkey Kong!

The round started on Monday and I weighed in Monday morning at 129.8kgs.  What a hell of a shock that was - heavier than when I initially started 12wbt over 2 years ago.  How did I get here? How did I let myself gain over 30kgs in the last year?  Depression. Self loathing. Laziness.   Just to name a few reasons.  But there's no time for regrets or disappointment (although I did wallow in it for a while).  It's time to put an end to it. 

4th August 2014

6th August 2014

So I won't lie about it.  This week has been hard.  I've gone back to tracking my calorie intake and I haven't been able to stay under 1200 calories yet.  And it's been weird having to think about my coffee intake as well - I seriously love my skinny lattes!  And wine, oh how I love thee.  I've thought about wine every single night!!!  My water intake has been great though, so that's a start!  And I weighed in at 127.9kgs on Wednesday, week one weigh in.  A loss of 1.9kgs.  I'm on the move.

Exercise has been non existent for me in the last 6 months.  Heel spurs have been the main reason for that, as well as working 60+ hour weeks to keep money coming in whilst Greg has been out of work.  My beloved bike sits in the garage sadly gathering dust and cobwebs.  This morning I returned to our weekly sessions we hold in our garage and I bloody loved it.  I was shocked to see how unfit I've become - I can't touch my toes or do a sit up.  But it's the start I needed, and the reality I needed to wake up to,  I'm ready to get moving again!!!

My first workout in a VERY long time!

I don't want a new me.  I want a better version of me.  Here's to a happier and healthier me, which leads to a happier and healthier family and life.

Onwards and downwards!  Let's go!!!

And some deliciousness from this week….

Dukkah Encrusted Pork with Roast Vegetable Salad

Beef with Creamy Mushroom Sauce

Chicken & Mushroom Risotto

Excuse Me, Can I Have an Extension Strap Please

Well today I suffered the ultimate humiliation of the fat person.  Although we've just flown with Jetstar in the previous days, and I've been able to do up my seat belt, Air Asia airplane seats and seat belts accommodate an Asian sized person - that is, not an overweight person. My horror at the seat belt not doing up was turned to humiliation when I had to ask for a seat belt extension.

I remember celebrating last year (and taking a photo) of the huge overlap of belt I had when I travelled on a plane. My travel was comfortable. Unlike today when I felt squished into my seat.

It's the little things like this that make me realise how far I've slipped, and how much I want to get back to that fit and healthy person I previously was.

I am forever grateful for the 

love from my husband and kids, regardless of the size of me, but it's time to put a stop to this!

The Beginning. Again.

It's been a year since I was given the news that my job at work was being made redundant. A year since I fell into the giant hole of wine and food to absorb my grief at losing my job..... A hole so big I couldn't pull myself out of it.

So where did it all go wrong? What happened? 

I was so depressed over losing my job, so I drank to combat that. And with the drinking every day of course comes the snacking.  

And I was injured - heel spurs affecting my ability to do any activity on my feet, and then in January I strained my shoulder and I've been suffering from bursitis ever since. 

Then with my husband losing his job, it was up to me to be the main bread winner, so I upped my hours at work - from part time at 20 hours a week I went to full time at 38 hours a week, and then I added overtime to that, working most weeks 55-60 hours a week. Whenever I was home I was just sleeping or drinking. My meals were good - healthy and low calorie, but the lack of exercise and sleep and excess wine drinking were piling the kilos on.

But the above is just all excuses. There's no excuse. I was just in a dark hole, and looking back I should have spoken to someone professional about how to dig myself out of it before the walls caved in. That's something I must remember - never take on the battle by myself - TALK to someone!!!

So I sit here on a balcony today on the Gold Coast having watched a few of the events in the Gold Coast Airport Marathon Weekend. People and their kids running by in the different runs on today and I miss attending these types of events with my kids.  And I want to get back to doing them and being a good role model.

We have another two nights on the Gold Coast, with tomorrow being the main reason we are here - the marathon! Greg will be running his very first marathon!  And the thing I am dreading most about seeing him cross that finish line is meeting up with people I haven't seen since I started piling on the weight again! I am ashamed and disgusted in myself. It's a feeling i never want to have again. Tomorrow is such a huge day for Greg and all I can selfishly think about is my dread at meeting up with people I haven't seen for over a year!

Monday we fly home before heading to Malaysia and Thailand for two weeks.  I have been dreading going overseas having packed on so much weight but at least I don't have to worry about anyone knowing me there!!

And then I'm coming home to start my journey.  Again. I'm sick of starting over. Again. And I will be signing up to the next 12wbt round in August. Again. And I'll shed this weight. Again.

But I'll keep going this time.  And I won't stop. I owe it to my body, to my kids and my husband. I owe it to me. I've got this.

Week One Down

Week 1 weigh in - down 1.1kgs

Week one down of the 12wbt round, and I'll admit it, I think 1800 calories is way too many calories for me.  I find I'm just eating for the hell of it to make up the calories and not even because I am hungry.  I also find I am drinking way too much coffee - it's all within my calories so I drink it!!!  I'm going to cut my calorie intake to 1600 and see how this week goes.   Water intake has been excellent, exercise has been okay, and food has been on track as well.  Things are going well.  The only thing I want to work on for the upcoming week is my time management, sleep and organisation.  I think I'm a pretty organised person, but starting work full time this week has totally messed with me!  I've been so exhausted I can hardly think straight - lack of sleep is definitely not something I cope with well.   It's been great having Greg home to help, but trying to keep a clean house, organise 4 kids, prepare & cook healthy meals, and exercise on top of all that was a huge struggle earlier in the week.  So Greg and have decided once a week we need to do a huge prep and cook up of the meals in the coming week for the nights I am working.  Looking forward to being less stressed this week.

My new Asics

I bought some new Asics runners on Friday as my old runners were so worn and extremely uncomfortable.  These new ones feel like I am walking on comfy fluffy pillows and my heels feel wonderful in them.

I've been taking daily photos like a bit of a diary and posting to some gorgeous & supportive girlfriends to keep myself accountable and on track.  It's something that I'm going to continue to do to keep my focus for the round. Although I try and take a quick picture of very meal, I often forget until the meal is over!  I thought I might as well share them here on my blog as well.

Onwards & downwards!

12wbt Round 2501354…. But Who's Counting?!?!?!

I've signed up once again to the next round of 12wbt.  And to be honest, I don't even want to think about how many rounds I've now done…. well, not actually done, but paid for.  I've seriously done 2 rounds, which were my first two, and then I've just filled Michelle Bridges' pockets with my hard earned cash. 

The thing is, I absolutely KNOW this program works.  It's not a diet, it's not a fad.  It's just sensible clean eating and exercise!  It's just common sense.  The difference I've made this time is I've signed up for the new 12wbt program called MOVE.  It's designed for obese people with a BMI of over 30, and allows you 1800 calories a day, and eases you into exercise.

I weighed in for kick off at 118.8kgs.  Fark!!!

Day 1 (yesterday) went well, except I ran out of time before work to get exercise done, so managed only a short walk.  But I'll get more organised as the time goes on.  Yesterday was also my first day of going back to work full time, so I have a lot of negative issues in my head at the moment.  We've decided I'll go full time until Greg finds a job, and the thought of working 5 nights a week until 11pm is quite horrible.  I am sure I'll get used to it.  Maybe.

Consistency, water, planning & exercise

Because of the increase in calories per day, the meals are much larger portion sizes, and very satisfying - so much so that you don't really need to snack in between meals, although I tried to just to keep my metabolism going.  I ended up only consuming 1643 calories and that was with a few coffees thrown in to boost the calories.  I'm planning on trying this for a few weeks and if the weight doesn't come off, I'll switch plans.

It's going to be a lot easier to get organised now the kids are all back at school.  I'm looking forward to getting into a routine!

12wbt MOVE: Day 1

I've also set myself the big arse goal of losing more than I did in my first round of 12wbt.  That round I lost 18.4kgs.  So, I'm going to aim for 18.9kgs, which means I'll be under the dreaded 100kgs.  Bring it.

Onwards & downwards….

Channelling My Inner Sarah McGee

I'm a fraud

I'm a failure

I'm obese

I'm useless
I'm dishonest

I'm unworthy
I'm ashamed
I'm incapable
I'm embarrassed
I'm tired

I'm weak

I'm lazy

I'm ridiculous

I'm unworthy

I'm unable

I'm crippled

I'm scared

I'm fat

I'm disgusting

I've been calling myself all these things the last few weeks.  Yes, I may be back on track now, but I've been dishonest with myself about how I've let things slip the last 6 months.  I'm an emotional eater and drinker - when I am upset or stressed or tired, I turn to wine & food.  And things started to slip when I was told I was going to be made redundant in about July last year.  And although I tried to claw my way back to a healthier lifestyle, I just couldn't do it.

So, thanks to some words of wisdom from the always awesome Sarah McGee (if you've never heard of her, click on the link to take you to her Instagram page), I am going to say it aloud - I've gained 20kgs back in the last 6 months.  My lowest weight at the beginning of last year was 98kgs, and I'm weighing about 117kgs right now.  Ashamed?? Yep.  But time to own it, and move on.

I'm embarrassed to see people I haven't seen in a while. I'm disgusted when I look at my reflections. I loathe myself because my clothes no longer fit or are too tight.  I don't want to have my photo taken cause I know I'll despise the picture & delete it anyway - like the one here taken on the weekend - shocking!

And I do feel like throwing my hands up in the air & saying "fuck it, I'm too old & tired for this.  I'll just stay fat".  That's easy.  But then I remember I have 4 little people (well, one who started high school today, so not so little!) looking up to me as their role model.

Losing weight is hard.  It's really hard.

And looking back on the posts of this blog, I'm so sick of seeing "this is it" and shit posts like that.

I lost a shit load of weight.  I stuffed up and gained a heap of it back.  And now it's time to finish the job I started a year and a half ago.

I will do this. I will conquer this. I AM worth it!

Ain't that the truth!!!

Day 5 Back on Track

Today is day 5 of being on track, and I'm feeling so awesome!  Ive been tracking keeping myself accountable and I've been following the 5 goals I set myself:-

1. Following 12wbt like a newbie - I've spent hours pouring over the menus, selecting new things to try out & writing out our menu plan for the month

2. Get moving again -  On Friday I didn't do any "measured" or set activity, but I spent nearly 3 hours cleaning & reorganising/decluttering our garage, which was a great workout in itself.  The other days I've managed bike riding twice, spin bike & cross trainer workout & a garage session.

3. No alcohol - Oh, how I've missed my white wine of an evening.  If only I could have a glass of wine without being ravishingly hungry!  So because I have to eat when I drink, the drinking stops!  Day 5!  YAY!

4. Tracking on My Fitness Pal - I've tracked religiously each day. 

5. Use my friends to keep me accountable - I've been posting the following daily updates for my girlfriends to see so they know how I am travelling, and shall keep doing so, even if it does their heads in.  THANK YOU girls for being my rocks xxxx

So a fantastic start to the new year.  I had forgotten how bloody yummy the 12wbt foods are, and look forward to trying out many new & different recipes in the upcoming months. The scales are moving rapidly downwards and I am grinning from ear to ear!  Now to keep the momentum going.  

I've got this :)

Fat, Fucked & Forty-One

Love this!  haha!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 

What a whirlwind silly season it's been, but so much better than the last one when I was suffering with Ross River Fever and spent my days in bed.  It's been lovely to spend so much time at home with the out of work husband as well - I think the kids have really enjoyed it, especially our youngest who has benefited the most out of having one on one time with Dad while the others have been at school.

Christmas was bloody awesome & the kids were very spoiled.  We had a beautiful Christmas eve & Christmas day with our families, and did the usual family things like a photo with Santa & attend Christmas Carols in the park.

The Grinch & Moi

So, it's a new year, and I have been waiting for the 1st of January for one main reason - to go alcohol free.  I set that date a while ago, and although pressured from others to "just start now", this was the date I had firmly implanted in my head and was the date that I wanted to start from.

Happy New Year Photo bomb by Aidan

So although I'm not setting any New Year resolutions, I have set myself some New Me Resolutions.  This is not about starting a new year, or committing to something for a year.  It's about me moving on from my downward path the last few months, and moving forward to a healthier me, forever. 

So I set myself these New Me Resolutions earlier in the week:

1. Follow 12wbt like a newbie.  Go back to the very roots of it, and follow the plan.  It works.

My lovely swollen ankle at the physio

2. Get moving again.  Injury, particularly with my heels has derailed me big time.  I can't even go for a walk on my breaks at work which is a real shit.  But I'll just have to do what I can & not let it get me down.  No excuses, 6 days a week.

3. The big one.  Alcohol.  It causes me to overeat (a hell of a lot), to sleep extremely badly with waking through the night for hours on end, and to feel overall shit the next day.  This is turn causes me to skip meals, to not exercise, and to generally feel crap, and then do it all over again.  So from January 1st we are becoming an alcohol free house.  I plan on drinking when on holiday or on very special occasions (out of our house), but for the moment I am taking it one month at a time.  January will be alcohol free without a doubt.

4. I will get back to tracking in My Fitness Pal.  All the calories consumed and all the exercise calories burned. I despise tracking in MFP, but it will keep me accountable.

5. Instead of burying my head in the sand when things get tough, I will use my awesome supportive friends (yes, you know who you are!!) to help me out.  I've warned them this will be happening as I know I will struggle from time to time.

It's hard for me to set specific fitness goals with my injuries at the moment, but I will just take it one week at a time.  We have the Colour Run in March that we are doing with the kids, so I hope to be pain free in my feet by then.  Greg and I are working out twice a week with a PT and I absolutely love, love, love it.  So we'll be continuing a wee bit longer with that and hopefully Greg will be employed soon so we can afford to continue with it indefinitely.

The only other fitness goals I have set is for the Brisbane Ride to Conquer Cancer in August and the Melbourne ride in October.  The Brisbane route is apparently a hilly one, so I plan on building my bike fitness and adding hill training before then, if my ankle holds out.

The key to success

And my word or motto for 2014 and beyond will be "consistency".  It is the key to all success, whether health or fitness related, or in life in general.  Thanks to the lovely Dayna for creating this picture for me.

Lots to look forward to this year, and to be thankful for.  And here's to being fit, fantastic & forty-two!!!

Starting the year with delicious healthy food & movement.